First Post: Musings

I was once told that writing is therapeutic. That it will help me feel better - so I guess I'll start by writing in this blog again. I suppose all that is left is to spill my guts out to some online blog that no one will ever read like millions of others have done and will continue to do.

I seek to commit to write every night, except Shabbat - because that would be wrong. It will not matter what I write about, I will just write the muses and nonsense that are my thoughts.

For instance, right now I'm sitting at a coffee bean listening to In Noctem on repeat while I type away looking busy on this laptop of mine. Trying not to be sleepy. Trying to be productive. Trying to do the right thing. The question is - what is the right thing? What should I be doing? I told myself I would read through graduate programs - but then that voice of doubt whispers back that it's a waste of time. And I listen to it, though I very well know I shouldn't. But I still do because I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Or what the hell I would study if I were to go to somewhere - and it is a lot of money. Like, my entire savings. What if it isn't worth it? What if I end up with piles of debt? I'm already not in debt, which I feel has me ahead of the game.

I've also been told that it helps to help others, which I believe. As such, I have emailed Jewish Family Services to see about volunteering. We'll see where that goes.

TL;DR: my head is full of doubts of everything and I'm having trouble pretending everything is ok. Because everything is not ok and I don't know when it will be.